Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Hobby Corner: Bondage Riders of the Post-Apocalypse

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Greetings vaqueros! Today I am here to show you my latest miniature conversion project - two shiny men on a shiny bike.
I wanted to make a miniature tribute to the biker boys of the wastelands, those leatherclad fiends and jackals that ride around preying on innocent survivalists and eating their skin. The kind of boys you'd take home to meet your grandma, if you don't mind them possibly flaying her and mounting her on the bonnet of their souped-up Dodge Charger. This is that model:
I used so many pots of tanned flesh paint on these guys... like 50.
INGREDIENTS: MUSCLES, GUNS, LEATHER, RUBBER, BABY OIL, MOTOR OIL, VEGETABLE OIL. MAY CONTAIN NUTS.
The recipe for this project was as follows: take two Goliath gangers and a 2nd generation Squat motorcycle (missing handlebars as it happens, a death sentence in Casa del Crooks). Saw them into many pieces and play with their body parts while giggling maniacally.

An early concept 'sketch'. The headlight was to be replaced with a fleshlight.
Goliath gangers, from the much loved Necromunda skirmish game, are a special breed. Obsessed with body building and feats of strength, the models resemble a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and a dozen freshly baked bread rolls. They took the strongman image and then, in the fine tradition of all post-apocalypses, they wrapped it in belts and metal spikes for reasons best explored with plenty of prophylactics and as much baby oil as a man can carry.

You all thought it was petrol, you naive fools.
The world beyond Law and Order is dangerous and sexy, and I wanted to portray this with my model. Though these guys are likely to join my Necromunda gang, they can fit into a number of settings thanks to their love of assless chaps, plentiful mohawks, and having lots of hot, chafing sex in dust-laden deserts.

"Those drongos messed up me mohawk Sheila!"

Scultping human forms requires extensive anatomical knowledge. None of which will be useful when working on Goliaths.
The fiddliest part of this model was making new handlebars out of copper wire, bending it carefully to shape, getting it all wrong, swearing a bunch, throwing tantrums, dropping things, getting time-out from my wife and quitting the project for months to work on other, less lumpy models.

Endorphin-soaked brain: Success! All that pain and effort has been rewarded! In fact that was so much fun let's put another guy on there!

Rational brain: Noooooooooooooooo

I am a messy, inexperienced sculptor and have no qualms about hiding my sins beneath oversized wrist-bands and giant pauldrons.
"All aboard the sexy train!"
"But this is a bike?"
"Shut up babe, I don't want you for your brains okay?"
That cathartic moment when primer coat covers everything and hides all the shame...
A group shot with some friends. I like me some bikes I doodly does.
The painting was fairly straight-forward, except for the fact that it was impossible to do due to all the parts being fully assembled before painting. There are regions of this model that no brush can reach; dark, smelly crotchal regions. But they are not viewable by any angle a non-rubber human could possibly contort to, and those who are, have been sworn to secrecy. CARNY PACT!

Well there you have it  folks, everything you never wanted to know about making lumpy men on bikes. What's next you ask? Well, let's just say that some ideas never truly die, for they are actually undead...

Skeleton Motorcycle Centaurs will Make the Apocalypse Great Again.

Adios for now!

16 comments:

  1. Your posts have this power to put a smile upon my face EVERY time. The oiled muscles almost are added bonus.

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    1. I oil them especially for yo- oh you meant the models! Ha ha ha! Yes, the models.

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  2. As a fellow chopper and reassembler, I can sympathise about those devious little nooks and crannies that refuse to be accessed by brush or spray paints. But only you know they exist. The shining, muscle-bound output of your labours stands on its own two wheels and gives the viewer a proper slap around the chops.

    I rather like it, my Captain!

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    1. Your words are whipping me into a chopping frenzy! Hand me a saw! Two saws!!

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  3. Sublime.

    I cant even make a funny, because you already made all the funnies.

    That bike looks so much better under those beefcakes than it ever looked with a squats legs waggling over the sides. How many painted Goliaths do you have now?

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    1. Ahhh two. Including them. It's a work in progress. I'm progressing on the work. One guy is like 90%, 87%, he's close.

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  4. Really liking the camo on the big guy. The loving hand on the shoulder pad really evokes an emotional story as well. ;)

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    1. It's the story I was born to tell. Probably.

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  5. If you don't finish the skeleton motorcycle centaur soon, in going to hunt you down while going by the name toe cutter!

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    1. Ooh OG Mad Max reference, not bad for a yank ;)

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  6. This post is all win....except for the fact that I got caught laughing out loud at work while I was reading it on the Down low...;)

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    1. Just show it to your coworkers, they will understand and definitely not judge you on your choice to read articles on tiny bondage men.

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  7. Your dead wrong on both counts captain, his not carrying baby oil or petrol.....it's Guzaline!!!!!

    Oh, and your self assessment of your GS skills is not acceptable. Coz it looks fucking awesome to me! As long as you can hide your sins beneath even better GS'ing skills, then your doing more than fine. Is he going to be the start of a Goliath gang? If so, where's the rest? Show them to me now!!!!

    And I couldn't help but look past your lovely bike and see the hulking grey dude in the background too....who's dat?

    Ok, enough impertinent questions from me. Cheers Mr Captain :)

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    1. I am a lazy sculptor and I am not ashamed to admit it. In fact it's not even greenstuff, I just coloured in blu-tac with a texta.

      I have started a Goliath gang, and in fact have already painted all of their shiny, shiny skin. I just needed to get inspired to paint the rest of them, which meant making a complex and fiddly model which absolutely hasn't killed my enthusiasm for the project AT ALL ;)

      The plastic hulk thing is part of a scenario module I'm planning involving giant Spess Mehrines and fantasy armies. Think Army of Darkness, but Bad Ash is a superhuman warrior corrupted by chaos. Etc.

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  8. Haha, this is so a winner!! Wow, this is an inspired work, seriously. The mini combo and the composition look great, and your sculpting skills are beyond awesomeness. We want more!!!

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    1. And more you shall have. Probably. No you definitely will. I expect.

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