Monday, 31 December 2018

Showdown in Old Anchorwott

Greetings vaqueros!  Today we'll be looking at the battle report from a game of Rogue Trader played between Mr Papafakis, Salem of The Vampire's War Diaries, Christian of 'an inconvenience rightly considered' and me, ol' Crooky Crook. Please enjoy!

Rumours of a great treasure hidden some miles from the spaceport city of New Anchorwott, out in the ruins of Old Anchorwott, led to a clash of mercenaries, pirates, Space Marines, lawless gangers and evils that do not sleep, or shower, or brush their frighteningly sharp teeth. They all converged on the same coordinates, and frantic battle was joined...


Warboss Tuffguts Spineshanka of the Black Moon Mercenaries hired Bwyan the Magical Space Hobo and his pirate crew to do a little smash 'n' grab job - but these things never go to plan, do they? The ork forces include the maniac dreadnought DAMAGE INCORPORATED and a mob of dead 'ard nobz in 'eavy armour.

Unbeknownst to either of them, the pyschic Inquisitor Hawthorne Braille and his bionic toucan Guiness had joined their party in a deep undercover sting under the alias of Dr What...

Speaking of the Inquisition, Inquisitor Berlin, his two Grey Knight guardians and a small force of Space Wolves led by Sergeant Lars Maggot are on their way to investigate the site as part of a larger mission in the Circle K system.

Inquisitor Berlin is joined by a small group of elite Novamarines, led by Chaplain Kepler.

The evil space vampire Ham Stokyr returns to this dimension to exact his vengeance, bringing with him The Execrables, a band of mercenary misfits so awful and bad that noone in their right mind would ever, EVER hire them. They are currently led by Pumbo Jenis, the Cockinator of Cubos IV. Ham has also hired a small group of ork pirates, and is also accompanied by his ever faithful undead Jokaero, Furious George.

Marcus Graviton and his band of tech savvy mercs see a chance to nab some potential archeotech. They need a big payday to keep their reputation and fancy weapons intact...

Hearing word of a big score, and seeing a potential way out of their endless cycle of crime and poverty, Psycho Sam and his biker gang race to the scene, totally unprepared for the warzone they are about to enter...

Finally, Abdul Goldberg, notorious outlaw, thief, pirate, mercenary, gambler, scoundrel and serial nudist has supplied the 'exclusive' information of the whereabouts of Old Anchorwott's secret to every single party involved (and has pocketed a tidy profit already) but seems to be intent on following the battle from the front lines... or somewhere close to it. What is he up to?


Inquisitor Berlin and his Grey Knight retinue teleport to the rendezvous point held by the Novamarine vanguard. Each force has a secondary goal to complete during the mission, all of which went completely ignored by most of the teams. 

From the west, Space Wolf tactical squads move up to gain favourable firing positions.

The high pitched whine of antigrav engines herald the arrival of high speed Space Wolf jetbikes!

The ground trembles beneath the feet of a mighty walker, piloted by Sergeant Maggot and his tactical squad. From this vantage point the field of battle could easily be observed. At ground level, tactical marines and bellowing Imperial Guard minotaurs sought cover in the ruins.

From the east, the space pirates follow their dreadnought into the fray, its frightening bulk drawing fire away from the desperadoes!

Joining the pirate advance was a huge ork battlewagon, decked out with the tusks of some fierce beast. The vehicle's engine roared as it took off towards the distant space marine forces, its driver hungry for carnage!

From the south, Psycho Sam and his gang revved the engines of their souped-up rides, scanning for signs of the big score they'd heard about, laughing and whooping as they dodged potholes in the crumbling streets of Old Anchorwott.

Mysterious human and squat mercenaries occupy a tall tower and advance behind and Olley class robo-tank.

The tech mercenaries had some wicked sick weapons, but none were quite a match for the battlewagon rumbling along in the distance, so they avoided drawing its attention, focusing on their primary mission.

Ham Stokyr and his motley alliance of mercenary teams hide in the ruins to the south-west amongst thick foliage, waiting for the moment to strike. Mere yards away the bulk of the Space Wolf forces make their noisy advance.

Ork kommandos hunker in the bunker.

Mr Papafakis gets a Kev's-eye view of the battlefield.

The coordinates led to a strange barrow-like construction in the centre of the battlefield. As the forces drew close, ancient guardians astride mutant beasts appeared wielding strange weapons, determined to sell their lives dearly to protect their secrets.

Marine forces emerge from the thick foliage, intent on securing the target site. Jetbikes weave past them to cover the southern flank.

Behind the advancing marines, a very naked Abdul Goldberg, intergalactic man of mystery, sprints over rough ground on a mission of his own. What is he up to? Why is he naked? Many questions follow Abdul's shining bare cheeks.

The kommandos suffer withering hails of fire from the oncoming Novamarines and their dreadnought support. They hold their nerve, for kommandos always get the toughest missions.

With a cackle of glee, the battlewagon driver unleashes a storm of rockets upon the ancient guardians, obliterating one of them. The other gives an ullulating cry of sorrow and anger.

Psycho Sam and his gang bring down the second guardian with small arms fire, laughing as they did so. The ancient pact is broken and the souls of the guardians shall never know peace.


Suddenly, on the deck of the giant walker, a dark, bat shaped cloud of smoke coalesced into the form of Ham Stokyr, space vampire! He wrenched off the head of the walker pilot and flung his body from the cupola of the vehicle. 
"Vot up bitches! Zis walker iz now mine!"

A split second later Ham was obliterated by a krak missile and that was the end of him. 

From out of the nearby ruins the ork pirates hired by Ham Stokyr scurried forth to aid their employer, not realising he had just been atomized. They waited for the access ladder to be dropped as per the plan...

The Space Wolves aboard the walker lined up the robo-tank and fired their pintle-mounted autocannon at it, damaging a track. The tank returned fire with it's own cannon but barely rattled the behemoth, which continued trudging forward.

Olley tank!!

The delighted whoops of the bikers soon turned to shrieks of horror as they were intercepted by the high speed jetbike squad of the Space Wolves. The grizzled squat veteran was torn to shreds by twin-linked bolters, his jetbike crashing to the ground in flaming ruin.

The biker's woes were hardly over - speeding away from their aggressors before they could turn about, they found themselves victims of a horrific high-speed ramming attack from the ork battlewagon. Two of the bikes disappeared beneath the whirring treads and were minced like cheap beef.

The space marine tactical squad blew up the orange hoverbike and its ork driver, but miraculously his girlfriend Duela survives and is dragged to her feet by Psycho Sam.
"No!" screams Duela, looking at the charred corpse of her ork boyfriend, "I have to stay with him!"
"Nooo! Noooooo!" growls Sam, "we go IIIIN!"

Psycho Sam and Duela flee into the mysterious catacombs under Old Anchorwott, while the deadly firefight rages above them.

Taking heavy fire from the mercenaries in the tower, the pirates and Black Moon orks continue racing towards the catacomb entrance.

The pirate dreadnought spots a worthy opponent in the form of a Space Marine dreadnought. The two machines face each other down, then open fire!

In a gush of amniotic fluids, the blue dreadnought collapses as high velocity assault cannon rounds tear its ceramite body to shreds. The brown dreadnought attempts to retaliate but it is outfitted for an anti-infantry role and its linked bolters cannot dent the pirate machine.

When it becomes clear that Ham would not be lowering the access ladder to the walker, the pirate orks start shooting at the chain holding it in place. They manage to drop the ladder with a lucky shot but in retaliation, the walker crew shoot and stomp most of the henchorks and Furious George to death.

The two remaining ork pirates, Captain Bluddmaster and Bosun Pete the genestealork climb the rickety ladder to the walker's cupola and begin breaking heads. Meanwhile Pumbo and The Execrables have climbed a nearby tall ruin and began leaping the perilous gap into the walker.
"Are you sure you can make it, Odo?" calls Pumbo from the walker. 
"Sure I can!" yells Odo the Fat, then he falls three storeys and goes splat on the road below.

The stricken walker begins ramming into the ruined building, trying to dislodge the interlopers. Krushzor the Megaklegg falls to the dirt and does not move again.

DAMAGE INCORPORATED gets to grips with the pair of Grey Knights, who hack at his metal body with their force-glaives. The mighty dreadnought cleaves one in twain with his pincers, smiting his ruin upon the crumbling roadside.

An unexpectedly effective burst of fire kills half of Warboss Tuffgutz' retinue. "Get up ya worthless gits!" he grumbles, kicking their lifeless forms.

The robo-tank takes a hit to its engines and explodes in a cloud of cheesy pizza.

Pumbo, Captain Bluddmaster and Bosun Pete begin hacking their way through the marine crew of the walker. The tight quarters and awkward positioning mean that gaining an upper hand is difficult.

Despite the continued ramming into the ruins, Bartolomeo the Teenage Mutant Ninja Zoat manages to make the jump and starts breaking heads with his bo-staff.

Seeing the resolve of his Grey Knights faltering in the face of DAMAGE's onslaught, Inquisitor Berlin diverts his attention from the battle proper to aid them in bringing down the ork abomination.

Berlin smites at DAMAGE with his immense psychic wrath, causing critical damage to the crude orkish technology.

DAMAGE finally falls, after battling with terminator armoured warriors for almost the entire game.

Marcus Graviton and his lieutenant Scaggs Yarrman snipe at the pirate band as they make a break for the barrow entrance. 

Bwyan the Magical Space Hobo leads the pirates to the very door of the barrow. "Come on lads, the prize will be ours!"

Then Bwyan dies from a fatal gunshot wound. The prize will not be his.

The battlewagon ploughs through yards of dense jungle in a joyful deathride that brings it to the hiding place of a Space Wolf tactical squad. Rockets fly and marines die - it is good to be an ork.

Deep inside the catacombs Psycho Sam and Duela find a strange well that seems to emanate power. Upon closer inspection they discover it is a midden filled with giant stinky turds, and an object of immense power and mystery.

They take the object, and a chilling roar echoes about the chamber. A rare giant albino hardvaark appears and charges towards them - it will suffer noone burgling its turds.

The space pirates pour into the chamber and witness the rage of the hardvaark. They open fire with their many guns at the order of navigator Hernandez, and together they destroy something rare and beautiful.

"I... just wanted to be loved..."

With the hardvaark dead, Psycho Sam and Duela become captives of the pirates. Hawthorne Braille, aka Dr What, steps forward. "I think you better hand that nasty turd thing over to me," he says smoothly, as his toucan flaps its wings churlishly. Sam scowls, but knows he has little choice but to comply... for now.

Up on the surface, Warboss Tuffgutz and Chaplain Kepler meet at the entrance of the barrow for a showdown in the streets. The opponents size each other up, each a hairs-breadth away from drawing their weapon and opening fire.

Without warning, the entirely naked Abdul Goldberg leaps from out of the jungle and empties a clip into Chaplain Kepler's back for no effect whatsoever. The chaplain turned angrily to see who had done this to him and watched the naked man scurry back into the undergrowth. Everyone laughed with shared cameraderie and made their way back to their various ships, all thoughts of battle vanishing in an instant.

The last surviving member of the walker crew, Space Wolf Sergeant Maggot, proved to be too difficult to kill, even with four large opponents bearing down upon him, so The Execrables decided to keep him as a pet.
"I always wanted a puppy," sighs Pumbo wistfully as the giant walker trudged off into the sunset.

And so ended the showdown at Old Anchorwott, but many questions remain unanswered. What is the nature of the hardvaark turd? Will Ham Stokyr stay dead this time? Has Sergeant Maggot been house trained or are The Execrables in for a difficult month? Find out the answers to all these questions and more! Someday! Probably!


  1. I don't know where to start, it's an amazing smorgasbord of cool, eccentric and downright weird! Seeing an Olley robo-tank share a table with Mr Papafakis' fabulous Helsreach walker and the dirtiest dozen in the galaxy is a once in a lifetime treat.

    1. Once in a lifetime...? My dear boy, we are only just beginning!

    2. You're so right. I don't know what I was thinking. Let's get planning...

  2. This was absolutely bonkers! This totally would have won the 2018 battle report contest....glad I didnt have to go up against it. Can't wait for your 1 or 2 posts for 2019. ;) They are always a delight. Happy New Year Mec!!!!!!

    1. I posted it at 1:45am January 1st 2019 so you may yet have to face it ;) Think of it as setting a moderate bar for the new year, not that you'll have any trouble meeting it Grover :D

  3. Thats the best thing I'e see all year. These are the types of games I want to be playing every weekend. All power to your dice arm, you utter monster you!

    1. You should definitely invest in some porno trolls, they enhance the experience tenfold :D

  4. Replies
    1. It was grand fun, and hopefully just the start of our new adventures!

  5. I was sorry to see Stokyr bite off more than he could chew, immediately upon arrival, although it does fit with his evolving character.
    Goldberg was as enigmatic as ever and Pumbo was surprisingly eloquent.

    It was merely an extreme action tale in miniature however, before the tragic tale of the anal retentive hardvark unfolded, adding important pathos to the tale. And an albino hardvark.

    I look forward to the Black Library novelization.

    1. The hardvaark was a genuine surprise that Christian had brewed up, I was as unwitting as the gangers who woke him up... It was a memorable moment :D

  6. It was a great weekend of gaming James. Thank-you for organising the get together with the stellar company. You've got a better memory than I, that's for sure, I can't remember half the shit we did during the game. It was a blast! And something that hopefully will become a more regular occurrence in the not too distant future.

    Cheers mate :)

    1. History is written by the winners Papa, but in this case the details are etched forever in my heart, so it's probably 50-60% accurate :D

      It was a great weekend though, we need to up the ante next time and get Ham some decent henchmen... or hench...things.

  7. That's a great scenario setup, great execution, and famtastic looking table and soldiers. I'm green w envy.

  8. Absolutely fabulous report! So many figures, a table top battle and a dungeon crawl. What is this magical turd? Will Sgt Maggot ever be potty trained? Will Sam and Duela stop kidding themselves and make sweet, sweet love? Or is it a case of once you go Ork you never go back? Ham Stokyr learned what we all know...Krak Kilz!

    1. Krak is the leading cause of death in the 8000-25000yr old space vampire demographic :(

  9. Stupendous! How great to see all those disparate figures out on the table together (and then all getting killed).

    1. It was a genuine excuse to plonk every weird model I've made in the last few years onto the table :D

  10. I'm burst into tears, you made me laugh with this all. Seriously, this is fantastic. What a way to end the year you had! But now we need more games! We demand answers! The people want to know!!

    1. You'll have to be patient Suber, games like this don't just get thrown together at the last minute (actually it was but still...).

  11. Brilliant. Great figures, awesome terrain, and a madcap story. Looks like immense fun!

  12. Cardboard blast templates! Repurposed stone barrow constructions! Flopping penises! This battle report has it all!

    1. One man's barrow is another man's secret entrance to an secret abomination lair.

  13. Next time I'll have more than 5 guys painted for sure! ;)

  14. This is just amazing! Everything.

  15. You're amazing champ. Don't stop believing!

  16. Oh dear! This is rare and beautiful. Like the hardvaark, but maybe not the spoor. Glorious! :D

  17. The best battle report ever! The lucky pirates burgled the turd.